It hurts, I'm broken, I feel rejected, I think I'm depressed, I feel lost, I feel scared, I'm nervous, I'm uncertain...
At some point or another, from my confession to now, I have had some feeling or emotion that can be described with the phrases above. It would have been much easier for me if I were to sit here writing and say that since my confession, our relationship has blossomed and that we are giving the young tree all the water and nutrients it needs to become a huge, strong tree that delivers many amazing fruit. Unfortunately I can't, the seed I had planted in 2018 was called "divorce" and that it fell on very fertile soil. I also sowed that seed three times I was told and now those trees are in the way of reconciliation with my beloved wife!
What I know now is that I was trying to get her to notice that our relationship was in trouble and I was too. Let's call it "negative motivation" if you will. I thought that my negative words had no effect, based on her initial reaction, that however changed towards the end of that horrible year. I can't deny the fact that I most certainly contemplated the idea many times, that's why I could utter the words so recklessly. I also had no idea what "divorce" actually means practically as well as emotionally for everyone involved, this includes children and not withstanding the fact that it's against God's Word to divorce (accept if you or your children are in danger). Refer to Mark 10:2-9
The tongue is one of the smallest members, yet it causes the most destruction if not controlled. I wish that I never said those hurtful things, I wish that I was a man of integrity and courage back then. It's quite clear that none of us can change the past, but remember that you can surely change the future, so:
STOP!
What you are thinking about doing!
You are not the man you think you are, you're wife is not the person you think she is. If only you could see yourself through the eyes of our Creator and change the way you look at other people too. You both have a divine purpose and if you choose to seek your life's purpose by approaching God's throne first, He will guide you on the path you were meant to walk.
The parable of the sower
You can be the seed or the soil, all depending on the situation or the season in your life. When you are the soil, it's very clear that different soil types will yield different results and here you would want to be the soil where the weeds were removed, ploughed and fertilized. This means that you want all the sin removed from your life, so you can yield a good crop.
When you are the seed, you can be good or bad seed, you can build people up, or tear them down. What seed would you rather be?
There is no doubt that sometimes when you are the seed, you may feel that you are buried with no light and you don't know if you will have enough water or nutrients to survive. FYI-Plants initially have enough nutrients inside the seed to start growing, before relying on the nutrients from the ground. When you are in a dark place and you don't know if there is any light, call on God, because the Holy Spirit within you will give you the nutrients you need to start changing, transforming and before long, you will grow roots and break through to see the light. With faith and continuing to seek God first, you will grow into a person that will fulfill the needs of people around you, yielding a good crop.
I know that I am in good soil, as I have found my refuge in God and although it is dark right now, I know that by the strength of the Holy Spirit, I have started to change - I have started to grow and in time, I will break through the surface, exposing me to the light. I will grow and yield a good crop for God's Kingdom.
Prayer
Our Father in Heaven, thank you for being the perfect farmer, for knowing what the soil needs to make the seeds grow and what seeds to sow when. Your timing is perfect and today I thank you for my current circumstances. Thank you that this is only a season and that you have a plan for me and that at the right time, You will harvest. Please give me the nutrients I need to grow and yield an amazing crop. I ask that You will encourage growth in my wife, so that she too may yield a crop for Your Kingdom. I pray this in the precious Name, above all other names, Jesus Christ. Amen!
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